what can i say to you? a year that consisted of the highest point in my life as well as the lowest.
2011 brought me my first year of college, moving 900 miles away from my family and friends to the great city of Chicago, ups and downs, feeling high on life and wanting it never to end.
it also brought lost friendships, lost faith, depression, anxiety, extreme hurt and a loss of willpower.
i have learned an incredible amount in the past year, especially in these past few months. i spent a year loving myself and loving everything around me only to have it crash and burn in front of my eyes. i experienced the worst and darkest bout of depression i have ever had in my entire life. i made some major life decisions, including the decision to start therapy, and later to go on anti-depression medication. i gained greater insight into the world around me through living and learning in the big city.
but most importantly i gained knowledge about who i really am. on the night of December 8th 2011 i came closer to suicide than ever before. it was the scariest night of my life, and i had to suffer it alone. but i changed my mind. and after that night i have found new clarity. i know what’s important. i have discovered that i am a good person and a great friend, and i deserve to be alive. i have also discovered that being in my life and being my friend is a privilege, not a right. and i have no obligation to adhere to people who don’t appreciate and love me for who i am, and appreciate my dignity as a human being. i have also learned that i have a lot of pain, but i also have an overflowing amount of love in my heart. and there are people who will want to recieve it. i just have to find them.
2011, you have changed me in ways i cannot describe. i look back on the girl i was last year and i hardly recognize her. despite all the pain, all the hurt, all the confusion and loss i truly believe that i have become a better person. not just for others but for myself. this journey has truly been worth it. i shouldn’t even be breathing right now. but i am. i made it here, with no one to lean on, i survived. and i will never go back to that place.
i’m here, and i am not going anywhere. bring in on 2012. i’m ready.