i seriously have never felt more confused in my entire life.
i’m usually the person with all the answers. but now i have no answers and it’s making me fucking freak out. for the past, oh i don’t know, ten years i have know exactly how i wanted my life to play out. go to columbia university. live in new york city. be a doctor. get rich and live happily ever after. then i figured out i have no desire to go into medicine or get rich whatsoever, and i wanted to be a public interest lawyer instead. then i didn’t get into columbia. then i didn’t go to new york, and made the ridiculously stupid decision to go to a random school in chicago 900 miles away. and now i’m kicking myself in the ass for it.
and i am definietly not living happily ever after. crazy and depressed is more like it.
so i don’t know what to do now. should i leave? i mean, i have the grades to get into a top school. and the main reason i didn’t leave depaul in the first place is that i didn’t want to leave the community i thought i had here. but i don’t feel like i have a community anymore. i just feel alone. and i want to run away, even though running away clearly has not solved any problems for me. and part of me thinks i can spend my entire life running, but i still won’t find happiness. the problem is me, and only me.
so should i stay then? i don’t fucking know. all i want is a place to call home and be happy. why is that so difficult to find?
hey god? i don’t believe in you. but if you exist, some guidance would be really fucking great right about now.
“You must constantly ask yourself these questions:
Who am I around?
What are they doing to me?
What have they got me reading?
What have they got me saying?
Where do they have me going?
What do they have me thinking?
And most important, what do they have me becoming?
Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay?”—Jim Rohn (via creatingaquietmind)
so one of my roommate came to move some stuff today. a part of me was like fuck it if she hates me, I don’t even care. but another part of me was really nervous she wouldn’t like me. my previous roommate certainly didn’t. I need to make new friends this year. I have a lot of great friends from last year, but my closest friend who I spent basically all my time with isn’t coming back to depaul and I’m really afraid of being alone. so I met her, and she seems really nice and chill, which made me happy. then we went out to eat with her friends, and I immediately slipped into super awkward mode, meaning I just stared at my phone and pretended to text the entire time. once in a while I gave an awkward laugh, but that was it. I don’t understand why I’m like this. I KNOW I’m not this creepy quiet girl who glares at people and fake laughs at everything when nothing is funny. I know that deep down I’m really a funny and friendly person. but all this anxiety and fear and dumb shit makes it so hard for me to be myself. and then I whine all the time about being lonely, but it’s all my damn fault. it makes me so mad.
A combination of two medicines forged into one pill, Complera will be a one-a-day pill designed for those who took an STD test and were diagnosed with an HIV infection who have yet to begin a treatment regiment.
Before, patients who could afford to treat their HIV had to take a “drug cocktail” of a myriad of pills that not only had many side effects, but could interact with their other prescriptions and cause more nasty side effects. Complera will be a one-a-day pill, which not only means patients won’t be prescribed the “drug cocktail” of pills, but now treating their HIV will be more affordable.